Dear Honest Surrogate

Surrogacy is still a fairly uncommon way of making a family. A lot of people have never even heard of surrogacy! Since it’s not so common, people tend to feel uncomfortable and say some weird things regarding surrogacy. For the most part people are supportive and positive and just want to learn more about it...but there’s always those few that say the darndest things. Sometimes after a little education they come around and sometimes they don’t. Here are a few questions from people who have encountered some unfortunate negativity.  

Dear Honest: My neighbor says I’ll go to hell if I become a gestational surrogate. She believes that if someone cannot have children, then God does not want them to be parents. I do not believe that and it hurts my feelings that she would be so negative about something so beautiful. I really want to be a surrogate but I don’t want my neighbor to give me a hard time about it and ruin the experience. How should I respond to her negativity about surrogacy? -Trouble in the Hood  

Dear Trouble: That’s a hard situation to be in. It’s such an exciting journey to be on and of course you want everyone around you to be supportive. I would start by setting a healthy boundary with your neighbor. You can simply tell her that your beliefs differ from hers and you do not believe that surrogates go to hell. You can also let her know that you need to be surrounded by positive, support during this time and if she can’t do that, you need some space. Surrogacy is emotionally challenging and the last thing you want is someone making you feel bad about your decision. Surrogates are some of the most selfless and giving people on earth. You are a wonderful person for wanting to be a surrogate, I applaud your decision.

Dear Honest: My friend said that the baby I am carrying via gestational surrogacy will be angry at me and his parents when he is older. His parents are two men so they used a donated egg. My friend thinks that he will always wonder who his biological mother is and be resentful that he came into the world like this. Now she has me worried that this might happen. What should I do? -Worrisome

Dear Worrisome: Nobody can predict how children will feel about how they came into this world. Something to remember is that if this child wasn’t born via gestational surrogacy with a donated egg, he wouldn’t be here at all. One thing everyone knows is that children want to be born into a family full of love. If his parents are willing to spend all of this effort and money to get him here, it sounds like he is already loved more than most people can imagine. Ironically, when I went through my surrogacy journey, my husband asked the psychiatrist that we met with to get psych clearance how children born via gestational surrogacy usually deal with how they came into the world. The psychiatrist told us that children born this way are SO wanted that they grow up knowing that and feeling very loved. If the woman who donated the egg gave permission to contact her one day, that is an option for the curious kids, and it’s something to consider when choosing a donor.

“Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of. It’s yours.” - Zero Dean

Amber Campanelli ~ The Honest Surrogate