The Journey of the Intended Parent
Surrogacy isn’t usually a person’s first choice on their path to parenthood. The intended parents I have met that are growing their family through surrogacy have usually explored every option possible. Heterosexual couples have often gone through years of heartbreak trying to conceive. By the time they settle on surrogacy, they often have spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and experienced so much loss, most of us cannot even imagine what they have been through. I have met many heterosexual couples who knew from a young age that they couldn’t carry their own child because of a medical issue, some of which started researching surrogacy in their teen years so they knew what to expect. LGBT couples often tell me their experience researching adoption before looking into surrogacy. Surrogacy is time consuming and expensive so the people who do settle on it as their way to grow their family have spent a lot of time to come to that decision.
Here are some situations where parents might choose to grow their family through surrogacy.
In 2015 the Chinese government decided to abolish the one-child policy, now allowing parents to have two children. Many couples who have always dreamed of having two children are now older and cannot conceive or carry a child themselves. Since surrogacy is illegal in China, they often come to the United States to seek out a fertility clinic and surrogate to grow their family. With the help of a reputable agency, this is often a smooth process for them even though they are in another country. A good agency will help them through every step, even hiring an interpreter if necessary to make sure everyone is communicating efficiently. The agency can also be support for the surrogate since the IPs are so far away. Here in Montana, I am on call for the surrogacy births incase intended parents don’t make it on time. I can be with the baby until the IPs arrive so the surrogate does not need to be responsible for the baby. Some surrogates and their families are perfectly happy offering to be with the baby until the IPs arrive, others would prefer some separation after birth to process and heal. I enjoyed having the night to myself after I gave birth to my last surro babe. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. The next morning I was ready to hold the baby and talk with the IPs. Everyone is different so it’s good to have options so everyone is comfortable.
I just read a story of a 61 year old woman carrying a child for her son and his partner…obviously it was not her egg even though many people commenting on the article had a hard time understand what gestational surrogacy is and assumed it was incest. The egg was donated by the GC’s son’s husband’s sister and that egg was fertilized by the GC’s son. The GC was just the oven to grow the baby. It was just another lesson that I should never read the comments but I did and saw other comments including many people stating they should have just adopted. Now this one really gets me going. Did everyone who made that comment adopt or plan to adopt? I doubt it. So why should adoption be the only option for LGBT couples? It shouldn’t! Everyone should be able to choose how they want to grow their families. I know gay couples that tried to adopt and were turned down and surrogacy was their backup plan. Some gay couples just like most couples in the world, really want a child that was biologically related to them. I have heard horror stories of couples in general who were on an adoption list and they were given less than 24 hours notice to come get their baby, they didn’t even have a diaper or car seat ready to go. They thought they would be waiting years for a baby and out of the blue they are parents. I also know others that have waited years for a baby. Other stories I have heard are about the biological mother wanting the baby back after the couple has had weeks to bond and call that baby their own, just to have the bio mom take the baby back. These are some stories that have made couples choose surrogacy over adoption. I have always wanted to adopt but my husband grew up with 2 adopted siblings and after experiencing it first hand, he is not interested in pursuing adoption. It’s not for everyone.
There are so many reasons intended parents choose surrogacy. We at Montana Surrogacy are here to support you, without judgment!