Dear Honest Surrogate : Their Bun, My Oven
Dear Honest Surrogate: I’m really excited about the prospect of helping another family grow and most people I talk to seem to be understanding, but every once in a while I am taken aback by a question or two. The biggest one I keep facing and feel lost for words on is: “How do you deal with giving up the baby?” I’m not sure how I’m going to feel, much less how to explain this to others? -Sincerely, The Oven for your Bun
Dear Oven: It’s natural to ponder this question. All surrogates wonder about that moment when you hand the baby to their parent(s) at some point. If a surrogate is wondering about it, you know others are, too! You know that amazing feeling of giving birth to your own children and the incredible bond you immediately felt. A lot of surrogate mothers express their concern about those moments right after birth. As a pregnant woman, everyone and their neighbor will ask a lot of questions (don’t get us started on how invasive and rude people can be!). As a surrogate, you’ll get even more questions. How do you handle those about “giving up” your baby and the feelings that brings up?
One thing to remember is that, although you’re carrying the baby for roughly 9 months it’s not biologically related to you. It’s like the t-shirt says, “Their Bun, My Oven”. You’ll be nurturing this baby and taking the best care possible, like you did with your own children, however, the embryo is not yours biologically, so you’ll have a different type of attachment to the baby. You became a surrogate so that you could carry a child for someone else who was unable to. You’re not giving up a child that belongs to you.
Of course, you’ll be walking through this journey alongside the intended parent(s). Meeting the people you’re going to give this amazing gift to is an exciting part of the process. This happens well before the transfer so you have a chance to get to know them and, depending on the desired relationship, maybe get to spend some time together. It’s a team effort, and the end goal is for them to have the joy of being parents like you already have with your family. It certainly can be difficult to imagine what that moment will look like. It’s different for everyone. I can speak from my own personal experience as a surrogate. To witness the parents meeting their baby for the very first time is an unforgettable experience. It felt very natural and easy to hand them their child.
Also, don’t forget that we’re here for you. Your case manager and everyone at Montana Surrogacy is here to support you. If you have questions or concerns about what to expect at the delivery, you should ask. It’s best to talk through this ahead of time, rather than in the moment. We have monthly meet ups, tons of information on our website, and experienced staff to provide support on your surrogacy journey.
Lastly, as far as explaining it to others. One of the things I’ve found to be true with surrogacy is that it’s not for everyone. Whether it’s when you’ve just started the application process or you are mid-pregnancy, people feel oddly comfortable asking how you’re going to “give up” the baby. They also tell you how they could never do that themselves. Depending on the situation, you can give an answer something like, “The baby isn’t biologically related to me. I’m carrying for some wonderful people who couldn’t on their own. I love my family, and we’re really excited to help build theirs as well.” This is the kind of answer I would give to the cashier at the grocery store who asked my children if they’re excited to have a little brother or sister, or to a co-worker in the elevator. Share as much or as little as you want to about your surrogacy journey.
Surrogacy isn’t something that everyone is familiar or comfortable with just yet. People mean well, and they’re curious. If people want to learn more about the journey of a surrogate in general, Montana Surrogacy has some great resources including FAQs, videos, blogs, and we’re even on Facebook.
Please click the link to submit your intake form through the Montana Surrogacy website when you’re ready to be considered for our surrogacy program.